Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past.
Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.
- Brooks Atkinson
The old year has gone and the new year has begun. This past year is one that I will always remember and one I will always long to forget. Looking back through our pictures from this year was a bit shocking. The year has become such a blur. I was surprised by how much has happened. How many things have changed. How much the children have grown. How different our life is from what I thought it would be when we began the year last January. Some growing up. Some moving on. Some heartbreak. Some love. It has been a very full year.
In January, snow covered the ground. The boy was in his element. My spunky, little sprite turned six. The snow melted but the ice remained. Our marriage walls came crumbling down.
In February, the kids made sweet Valentines. Steven officially moved out. I relied on good friends and family to keep me from falling apart.
In March, we donned green and played leprechaun. I learned to cook for four. Sicily discovered a love for roller skating. The boy built a mouse-mobile and vowed to never do Odyssey of the Mind again. We welcomed spring.
In April, we escaped to the country, we played with ducks, and went to the aquarium. We had an Easter egg hunt. Sicily daydreamed her way through soccer. Analiese became town commissioner for a day. A violent storm left piles of glass around our front door and the little one hasn't slept through the night since.
In May, we picked strawberries and made jam. Steven and I started counseling. We stopped counseling. I started to lose hope of my husband ever coming home. My brother-in-law got into a horrible wreck that paused their lives and determined our summer plans. Sicily danced through a recital and the other two presented their artistic side.
In June, the kids finished the school year with field day and ice cream. I stepped into my thirtieth year not wearing a wedding ring. My sweet, dramatic Analiese turned eight. I moved into a new house with my kids but without my husband.
In July, we went to Arkansas to help my sister and her family. We watched fireworks there. Chris turned eleven, officially a pre-teen.
In August, we went to Dallas and Legoland. We said good-bye to summer and hello to a new adventure. I went back to college. The first day of school arrived and Chris started his last year of elementary school. We inherited a dog.
In September, autumn arrived. We went to festivals. I realized trying to go back to school full time, work part time, and be a full time mom all at the same time is an exhausting endeavor. Sicily started gymnastics and loved it. Analiese started piano and drama. She found her stage. The boy stepped up around the house, proving a maturity beyond his age.
In October, I fell apart emotionally as the loss and heartbreak really started to sink in. Chris ran a race with his dad. We carved pumpkins and I went trick-or-treating with Rapunzel, a hippie, and a butterfly queen. I found out that my baby sister is going to have a baby.
In November, the anger of the heartbreak set in and I felt the shift from holding on to letting go. I gave thanks with family that I love, people who refuse to let me sink.
In December, I finished my first semester of school, and I finished well. Analiese performed brilliantly as a toy soldier. Sicily earned her first medal as a gymnast. We celebrated Christmas as a whole family. I realized I wasn't angry anymore and I wasn't holding on anymore either. We took a walk in the woods. We saw family. Winter came and with it a death of the old giving way to hope for a new future.
And now it's January 1 of a new year.
I thought today was going to be hard for me. It's our anniversary. The brilliance of scheduling your wedding anniversary on new years is that should it not work out, you get to start every year in a bad mood. Unless, you don't. Unless you wake up and surprise yourself by being OK. Unless you wake up and realize that a year later the heart you thought was broken forever might just be on the mend. Unless you wake up and see this new year as a chance for a new start. Then you might just smile through the tears.
Today I'm dropping last year into the past and thanking God that I can. I'm letting the process of moving on really begin. I'm letting go of what I should and holding on to what I can.
I can't see what the year ahead holds. I don't know what I'll be writing at the end of this year. That's the fun of the adventure. I do know that I have three beautiful children that I love, family that supports me, a new dream to work towards, and I'm going to be alright.
Happy New Years everyone.
