Tuesday, May 13, 2014

A Trip Down the Rabbit Hole

...then I fell off of the face of the earth and disappeared down a rabbit-hole for three months... 

...The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well....Down, down, down...

...and all around me was a blur.  One day, one week, one month, all one muddled lapse of time filled with little sense and less reason, all for a muddled purpose...

...here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.  

Twice as fast as that.   

The end.  

It has been one year.  One year since we left an established life and complicated our already complicated life in search of something. I still don't know exactly what I'm searching for.  It has felt like a Wonderland search for madness.  And time has moved in Wonderland speed.  Months have passed and yet I'm sure that I might at any minute wake up under a tree from a lovely nap having found that no time has passed at all.  

In one sense, I have done exactly what I came here to do.  I have made connections and gained experiences.  I have grown as an artist and a writer.  I have been pushed and pulled into something new.  As my feet start to search for solid ground, I can look back up the rabbit-hole and see that I have come a very long way toward something.    

In another sense, I feel as if I have lost a year of relationships.  I feel alone. I severely underestimated the value of community.  I need Mad Hatter tea parties and coffee with friends.  For this reason, I would pinch myself and wake-up, back where I was a year ago, if I could. 

Then again, I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.   

So here we are.  School is coming to an end.  I have done what I came here to do.  And, the question that everyone wants answered is, what now?  I wish that I knew.  I am just moving forward.  At a slightly altered pace.  Racing toward an ill-defined end is exhausting.  And I have missed far too much beauty as I've run twice as fast as I can possibly run just to to go somewhere that I can't even see.  Yet a path must be chosen.  Decisions must be made.  We can't stay exactly here.  This exact spot fits exactly none of us.  So what now?    

Alice came to a fork in the road. 'Which road do I take?' she asked.  
'Where do you want to go?' responded the Cheshire Cat. 
'I don't know," Alice answered.  
'Then,' said the Cat, 'it doesn't matter.' 

*Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll 

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