Scarred October

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,

Tears from the depth of some divine despair

Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,

In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,

And thinking of the days that are no more.

-from Princess: Tears, Idle Tears by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

I was driving home today and noticed the colors of Autumn. Slight splashes of orange, red, and yellow have begun to appear in the trees along the highway I drive near blind from familiarity. They may have fallen and disappeared completely without notice if I hadn't glimpsed them. I feel that it's Fall. I feel my heart tugging at me prompting me to see, to feel. But I'm missing it.

Our life is a blur of movement. I drive, I listen to lectures, I come home, I take kids to activities, I work. If we're lucky we eat a quickly made dinner before 8pm. Then its baths and a story. Kisses and bedtime. And back downstairs to clean up and repack it all for tomorrow before I can crawl into my own bed.

We're in the process of transitioning from one chapter of life to another. I have to remind myself that transition is temporary and that, eventually, the new will become normal. But right now, as autumn swirls around me, I miss our old normal. We didn't pick apples this year. There is no apple butter. We've pressed no leaves because we've had no time to walk around collecting them. My house does not smell of freshly baked pumpkin muffins. I miss silly little normal things like that. But I also miss deeper things.

I miss having a partner. I've done transitional a lot in my life. But I've never done it alone. I miss companionship and sharing the craziness with someone. I miss going to bed with someone and waking up beside the same someone everyday. The same someone who understands the day ahead of you. Who understands the confusing emotions in the loss of the old mingled with the excitement of the new. Who understands that sometimes you just need to cry and sometimes you just need to sit down.

Maybe October isn't passing me by. Maybe I'm ignoring it. October has big heart-shaped scar right in the middle of it. A scar I'm not ready to deal with. I don't just miss having a partner. I miss my partner. I miss the normal I use to know with him.

But there's nothing I can do about that. So I'm ignoring it and transitioning.

I know I've been quiet. I'm here. Well, not here so much as somewhere. Somewhere, moving on, raising kids, and letting October fall away like the leaves that define it.