Rainy Day Lists

The Rainy Day
- Longfellow

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary

It's been one of those weeks.

One that leaves me awake all night making failure lists.

My mother's heart starts to make a list of all that I'm doing wrong. Of all the ways in each day that I make sure that my kids will one day sit on a psychologist's couch. Of all the lessons taught poorly or yelled, or worse, ignored. Then as my husband crawls in bed beside me , I realize I've completely neglected him this night and my mind goes to the lists of ways that I've let him down. Then the financial failures jump to the front and the wrong decision list starts to check itself off. This, of course, only leads to the regret list that inevitably takes me down in tears. The relationships I didn't mend, the choices I should have made. The what-ifs and should-haves and the if-onlys.

I too often tear myself down in a fit of melancholy when my body should really be restoring itself in sleep. Anything can prompt it. A bad day, a horrible phone call, a disappointment, a life stress. And then I find myself in a sleepless night letting doubt creep in to whisper in my ear.

In these moments I have two choices. I can lay there and replay the lists over in my mind. The lists I know too well. Or I can trust that I have been given grace and mercy enough for my weakness. I can believe the poet, that in each life the rain must fall and that the sun is still shining behind the cloud. I can choose to let the rain fall through the night and in the morning see how the wildflowers have grown.