Broken Glass

I have spent the last three days cleaning up glass. Millions of tiny shards of glass.

At 3am on Tuesday morning I woke with a start as a gush of wind that the weather man tells me was around 95 mph shook the entire house. Thunder clashed and lightening flashed. Then the wind hit again. That's when I heard the glass. It wasn't the crisp glass breaking sound of a baseball flying through a window. It was more like the crunching sound of a windshield of a car that's been in a wreck. It sounded like the glass was folding in on itself. Then the wind hit again and all of those tiny broken shards started swirling around hitting the windows and walls. All three kids came running down the stairs. The girls were screaming. Chris thought we were in a tornado and I have to admit I did too. I turned on the TV hoping the weatherman would tell me what was going on. The four of us and the cat sat huddled at the foot of my bed for an hour, jumping out of our skin each time another gust hit the house. I thought there was a good chance we were about to lose the roof. Around 5am the rain came and ushered out the storm. The wind calmed and it was just soft rain falling all around us. We all finally drifted off into an exhausted sleep.

When we opened the door the next morning glass came with it. Our entire storm door had shattered. Glass was everywhere, including lodged into the walls of the house. So were tree limbs and soccer balls and trash. It was a mess. I'm actually grateful though. Friends had it much worse. Huge oak trees uprooted and fell on houses and cars. Fallen power lines and debris laid across the roads for hours, blocking travel until most people just turned around and went back home. Some people are still without power. I just have a little (well a lot) of broken glass.

Although, we'll all be alright with not going through another night like that for a very long time.

Today

Today is not a good day
Stranded in the heartache
Watching all the world race
And pass me by
Like a wave on the ocean
Comes a flood of emotion
And it can't go unspoken
No, it can't go unspoken one more time
We fall apart just to come alive
A broken heart can shatter all the lies
A brand new start and a goodbye
We fall apart just to come alive
But this is still a good life
Standing in the Sunlight
Scattering the long line
Of fear and shame
Cause underneath the surface
There's a heart and a purpose
And I swear that it's worth it
It's not in vain
We fall apart just to come alive

We Fall Apart - Bebo Norman

Sometimes They Surprise You

Lately, I've felt like I'm failing with the boy.

Parenting is hard. You never know if you're really doing a good job. Every stage brings it's own set of challenges that give you one more opportunity to ultimately screw the kid up. And you really won't know if you've successfully guided them through each stage for decades. Even then, they could one day start making choices that reveal that, yes, you did in fact mess them up for life. It's a pretty awesome and rewarding job. It's a good thing unconditional love and devotion kicks in at birth, otherwise you might give up about the time the terrible twos hit.

The boy has been challenging lately. He's a pre-teen displaying all of the hormonal emotions that come with that. Including the kick of testosterone that makes him want to fight with all of his pre-teen friends who want to fight with him. He's challenging my authority. He's been making fun of his sisters and ignoring them in the hallways at school. He's angry with his dad for leaving. Of the three, he's taken the separation the hardest. His mouth has been moving at break neck pace with one negative statement after the next. He's just plain moody.

It's hard to watch and it feels like everything I try to say or do to help him through this stage is falling flat.

But the thing about parenting is, just when you think you've screwed them up beyond repair they surprise you with some incredibly thoughtful act. And instantly your hope in raising a kind and responsible adult is restored.

Today, the boy surprised me.

He went on a field trip with his class to the state capital. He went to the government building, the science museum, and the history museum. His teacher had told them that they could bring money for the gift shops. So I gave him some money so that he could get a little souvenir from his trip. When I picked him up I asked him about the day. He told me about all of the fun he had with friends and the interesting things he learned. Then he pulled out the little bag of what he had bought at the gift shop. First, he pulled out an arrowhead key chain he had bought for himself. Then, the boy who ignores his sisters in the hallway and calls them annoying, pulled out two rings that he had bought, in front of his friends, just for them. Then he gave me a beautiful stone and showed me the one he had bought for his dad. I was shocked by the thoughtfulness of it all. I couldn't believe he had spent his money on us. Especially when he told me that there had been something else he had wanted to buy but couldn't get it because he wouldn't have been able to get the gifts for us. I've couldn't quit telling him thank you and that I was proud of him.

The gifts were little things. But they meant the world because he did it completely on his own.

Maybe we'll make it through this stage after all. Maybe it doesn't matter as much if I'm not perfect at this job or that I fail occasionally. Maybe it has a lot more to do with the fact that underneath the pre-teen emotions and mouthiness is a good heart.

He's my boy. He has the potential to completely break my heart and to completely warm it. Either way I love him more than life.

Dear God...

This is Analiese's prayer before bed tonight. I had to come to the computer immediately because I wanted to make sure I remembered it exactly as she said it. It's just about the most perfect prayer I've ever heard. This girl can bring me to tears faster than anyone I've ever known.

Oh, my sweet girl. I love you.

Dear God,

I hope you're feeling well today. I have pink eye, but I got to hang out with my mom today. Thanks for my friends. Oh, and I hope Jesus is ok today, too. Take care of daddy please. And God, even if everything goes bad, I still love you. The end.

Weekends Are For...

...staying in your pajamas too long. And snuggling up with your sister to watch your favorite Saturday morning cartoons.

Quietly Entering Spring

"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold: when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade." - Charles Dickens

That is exactly how the first day of spring arrived here. It was warm but the clouds were low and heavy with rain. I think we'll be sleeping through a spring storm tonight.

The spring fairies seem to be waking slowly from their winter slumber.

That's fine with me. I like spring in small, bright bursts of rainbow-colored flowers and God-green leaves.

Let the winter slowly fade away as the earth arises to the spring. This way the rejuvination of the season will last longer so that I can be repeatedly reminded that, though winter may bring darkness and death, spring will always brings new life and light.

Home

This is home to me.

A simple and delicious meal set for my family. Home to me is a familiar place of comfort where you can rest from the world in the people you love. It's talking and laughing and filling our bodies and spirits with nourishment. It's having someone to take care of and someone to take care of you. It's sharing a moment, a look, an inside joke, a fear, an up, a down.

This is a scene that makes my heart swell with joy. It's the moment right before I call them to the table and they pour in, a loud, jumbled mess of beautiful.