It's Been a Long Day

The other day I found myself on the bathroom floor. Gray's Anatomy style minus the prom dress. It's been happening a lot lately.

When I started this blog I promised you that I'd be honest. That's a hard promise to keep. I prefer to write about the fun things we do. The accomplishments, the sweet stories. Honesty can be kind of ugly and not so fun to write. I imagine it's sometimes not so fun to read. But here I am, being honest.

Back to the bathroom floor.

I go there to hide because a while back anger, distrust, and anxiety barged in and took up residence on our sofa. They settled in and made themselves comfortable. We have asked them very politely to leave but they sit there stubborn and menacing. So we did the next best thing. We decided to leave instead. We've planned a vacation that we really can't afford. But really can't afford not to take either. We need a break. These bullies have walked us to the edge of the cliff and are threatening to push us over.

Last year when Steven lost his job, a good friend of mine told me that she hoped it would bring Steven and I closer together. Hard times are the stuff of good bonding. But that's not really how it worked for us. Years of inner tension just sort of started blowing up in our faces. We ran to save ourselves. We did. We took care of ourselves. I think we've each grown a lot in the last year and a half, individually. We just haven't grown together. Last month we had a heated final eruption following some poetry and wine that should have killed us. But it didn't. We are broken but we're still hanging on. Which gives me hope. I guess hard times do bond people, even when they're trying hard not to. We've realized that being together right now is hard, but being apart would be unthinkable. We are tied together with invisible thread. Right now it's pulled taut.

So we're going away for a week. Completely away. Away from screens and cell phones and distractions. We need some time. We knew we needed this vacation when we planned it a few months ago, but we didn't know how desperately we would need it right now, this moment. We need some time to heal. I don't expect it will all be magically better in a week, but it has to start somewhere. Why not at the beach?

With that I'll say good-bye for now. I'll see you next week with plenty of wonderful beach pictures of my little wildflowers and maybe some reflections from a muddled heart in the process of being calmed.